Deflecting the Q & A of the Holiday Dinner Table

Q & A, in this instance, means Questions and Advice, just what your college or high school student does not want to deal with at the holiday dinner table. But it’s almost inevitable, as the extended family gathers and wants to hear where your student is going to school, what they’ll major in, or how that first semester of college has been going.

Jeff Selingo has written two of my favorite books for college parents, There Is Life After College and Who Gets In and Why. I recommend them any time I can. So when I saw Jeff’s Instagram reel sharing his response to parent questions about the Question and Advice dilemma, I knew it was worth sharing.

The first question was from the parent of a high school senior who wanted to know how his son could deal with all of the inevitable questions he knew he’d get about the colleges he’s applied to. Jeff’s advice was spot on. He suggested turning the conversation around and asking the inquiring relative about their experiences. Where did they go to school? Where else had they applied or considered? Why did they make the choice they did? What had they learned from the process or what did they wish they had known earlier? Was there anything they might have done differently?

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Your Student Needs This Time Over Winter Break

This article is an update of an earlier article.

Winter Break. Most college students look forward to it – and they get increasingly impatient for it as the semester draws to a close. Students face deadlines they may have ignored, final papers, final projects, final exams, and a generally stressful few weeks as they finish up their term.

Winter Break

Students don’t want this Break, they need this Break. They’ve worked hard all semester and they need a chance to regroup. This winter, no one is sure what to expect. Covid, the flu, and RSV are making everyone a little nervous. We’re inching back to normal and we hope Winter Break will be comfortable and safe for everyone. The next few weeks may prove challenging for everyone. But wherever you are and whatever your circumstances, most students need one thing as this semester draws to a close: time.

Not all time is the same

No matter how long your student’s break from college, they need to fill it with different kinds of time to help them recharge and to prepare to move forward.

Eight kinds of time your student needs

Downtime

The end of the semester can be brutal for some students. Your student may come home and sleep for what seems like days. They may just want to binge watch their favorites, play video games, eat junk food, sleep some more and just hang out.

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What’s Going On with Your Student in Trouble?

It’s possible you may be taken by surprise if you learn that your student is struggling or in trouble – especially academically.  You didn’t see this coming and wonder how you missed it.

On the other hand, you may clearly see that your student is in difficulty but wonder how your student is missing it – or at least not talking about it.

Of course, there are other times when no one sees it coming and everyone is taken by surprise. Trouble may have been brewing for a while, but it seems to have come out of nowhere.

My student won’t talk about it – or even admit there’s trouble.

This can be especially frustrating. It’s obvious that your student needs help and you’re willing to support them in finding it. But your student seems to be shutting you out. What’s going on?

“I’m embarrassed and ashamed because I’m failing some of my classes. I’m supposed to be able to do this work and my parents – and the rest of my family and friends – expect me to do well. My parents are paying a lot of money and now it’s wasted. The college must have made a mistake in admitting me. If I don’t tell anyone about this maybe they won’t find out.”

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Reflecting on the First Year of College

Your student made it through that often tumultuous first-year transition to college – perhaps smoothly or maybe with a few bumps and bruises along the way.

Next stop – sophomore year. But first, there’s work to be done.

It’s time for your student to reflect and make meaning of their first-year experiences, consider the lessons learned, and uncover the wisdom that can help them navigate the next three years.

New sources of information

Your student has grown. Their experiences have given them new sources of information about themselves and about college, but they may not yet have connected all of the dots. Now is the time for your student to consciously integrate this knowledge into their sense of who they are and how they can move forward deliberately and with a stronger sense of purpose.

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Review – The Talking College Card Deck

From time to time, we like to review some of the books available for parents of college students.  There is a wealth of literature available to help parents cope with the transition to college and the changes that occur throughout the college years.

This time, we’re taking a slightly different approach and reviewing a product, rather than a book, that is a great resource for helping your student make the transition from high school to college. Although we generally stick to books, we think this set of conversation prompts fills many of the same needs.

Be sure to visit our Resources page for suggestions of important books for college parents and their students.

Having the right conversations is an important way to help prepare your student for college. The Talking College Card Deck, created by Dr. Andrea Brenner, is a collection of discussion prompts for parents and students that will help you begin those essential conversations. These pre-college conversations can help parents and students learn from each other and anticipate the college experience.

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11 Reasons Your College Student May Call

Not all phone calls are the same.

We have so many ways to communicate with our college students these days that phone calls may be less frequent. According to Barbara Hofer, author of the book The iConnected Parent, parents and students communicate an average of 13.4 times per week — but that didn’t include texting! Many students and parents text each other anywhere from several times per day to once a week or so.

As long as both you and your student are comfortable and agree on the amount, occasional check-ins are good for all of us.

With the ease and immediacy of texting, phone calls (or Zoom, Facetime or Skype) with our students have become more rare. They take more effort and coordination and involve more extended conversations. But sometimes, there’s nothing like hearing the other person’s voice.

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How a Walk Down Memory Lane Can Help Your College Student Move Forward

We all want to move forward — especially this year. We have our eyes on the future and we’re anxious to leave this very difficult year behind us.

Sometimes, when children are young, they thrust themselves headlong in one direction while busily watching all that is going on around them. The result? They trip and fall. We admonish them, ”Point your nose with your toes! Look where you are going!”

Why then, might we want to help our students look backwards — maybe quite far backwards — in order to move forward?

Because reflection is a clarifying exercise. It helps us think about where we’ve been. It helps us gain perspective. It helps us gather wisdom from the past. It helps us move forward with greater purpose and understanding.

Help your student take a walk down their own memory lane

As your student prepares to head off to college, they are, appropriately, looking to their new life and the fresh start that it brings. This is an ideal time to help them slow down a little and remember how they have come to this place.

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Your Student Needs This Time Over Winter Break

Winter Break. Most college students look forward to it — and they get increasingly impatient for it as the semester draws to a close. Students face deadlines they may have ignored, final papers, final projects, final exams, and a generally stressful few weeks as they finish up their term.

This year, the stress has increased as they attempted to do their work in masked and distanced classrooms, in hybrid settings or fully remote — either from home or from dorm rooms. It’s been a difficult semester for everyone.

Winter Break

This year, as we enter what many are telling us will be the darkest and most difficult winter we’ve faced, students may be anticipating Break more than ever. Students don’t want this Break, they need this Break. But Winter Break will not be business as usual this year. There may be minimal travel, fewer events, smaller family gatherings, less socializing, and students may have more time on their hands. This has been a year like no other, and it promises to be a Winter Break unlike anything we’ve known.

Whether your student is finally coming home or has been home all along, the next few weeks may prove challenging for everyone. But wherever you are and whatever your circumstances, most students need one thing as this semester draws to a close: time.

Not all time is the same

Your student may be home longer this winter, as many colleges end earlier than usual and many  delay the start of spring semester. But no matter how long your student’s break from college, not all of their time should be the same. Students need different types of time to help them recharge from this ”semester -like-no-other” and to prepare to move forward.

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#015 – Special Episode – COVID-19 – One Month In: Challenges of Staying the Course

Now that your student has transitioned to their new online college environment, they face new challenges. Staying motivated and focused isn’t easy. Students are overwhelmed by coursework, miss their friends and social life, and don’t know how long this new way of life will last. Although the college semester has a finish line, it still seems a long way off.  In this episode Lynn and Vicki share with parents some observations about the specific challenges many students are facing right now both academically and in their daily lives as well as some suggestions for coping with these obstacles. Parents can’t fix all of their student’s issues, but understanding what they are can help parents provide the guidance students may need.

 

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Beyond Parents Weekend: Why College Parent Engagement Matters

We are not advocating parent helicoptering. Engagement is not hovering.

College students need to practice their independence, make their own decisions, take responsibility for their education, and begin to lay the foundation for their future. But when you drop your student off on Move-in Day, your parenting job doesn’t end — it simply changes. (Actually, it’s not simple, but it changes.) When your student graduates from college, your parenting job doesn’t end — it changes once again. You are a parent for life.

However, there’s a difference between checking in with your student and checking up on your student. That can be the difference between helicoptering and engagement.

Why are parents so involved?

Throughout most of our student’s school years, the messaging has been that parental involvement correlates with success.  We’ve been told we need to partner with the school to support our students and to send them the message that their education matters.  Students are used to us being involved — and many, perhaps the majority, want it to continue. Why should we believe that things will change when those same students head to college?

But it does change. Parental engagement on the college level needs to look different.

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