“I Don’t Want to Go Back.” When Your College Freshman Wants to Quit

Perhaps you’ve seen it coming over the course of the semester, or perhaps it has taken you by surprise.  Your student came home for what you thought was going to be a few weeks for winter break and announced that he doesn’t want to return to school when break is over.  No one expected this when you headed to school for Move-in Day.

Dissatisfaction with the college experience at the end of the first semester is not uncommon.  Several national studies suggest that as many as one third of college students do not return for their sophomore year of college, but there is little data regarding how many of those students leave at the midpoint of their first year.  However, both college personnel and first year students know that there are many students who will not be back for second semester.

So you are faced with a dilemma.  Your student says he does not want to return to school.  What do you do?

First, you listen

Before you agree and move your student back home, before you disagree and insist that your student stay and finish the year, you listen.  If you’re too upset to listen right away, ask for some time to let the thought register and make a plan to talk again soon.  Let your student know that you need some time to digest the idea and then you want to hear his thoughts – really hear them.  Then be prepared to listen carefully and thoughtfully, be a sounding board, and try to hear what your student is really saying about his reasons for not returning.  It is not always easy for parents to do, but this listening is the most important first step in helping your student.  In fact, for some students, this is all they need.  They need to vent and share their experiences and be heard.

Your student may have a number of reasons for wanting to leave school after this first semester.

  • He may feel that he never really made the transition to college life.
  • Several (or many) of his friends may be leaving and he fears he’ll be lonely.
  • He may not have understood how difficult the academic work would be and he feels overwhelmed.
  • He may have had a poor semester academically and feel that he won’t be able to recover.
  • He may be having difficulties living with his roommate.
  • He may have done more partying than he intended or he may realize that he has difficulty saying no to a drinking culture and he’s concerned.
  • He may be homesick.
  • He may already be feeling some of the issues of sophomore slump.
  • He may feel a lack of direction or dissatisfaction with his current major or course of study.
  • He may feel isolated and unconnected and have no friends.
  • He may be bored.
  • His experience of college may be different than what he anticipated. He is disillusioned.
  • He may be worried about finances.
  • He may simply feel that the grass will be greener somewhere, anywhere, else.

Obviously, your listening skills will be important because these reasons vary widely.  Academic concerns, social concerns, and financial concerns need to be addressed differently.  You’ll also want to determine the degree of dissatisfaction or frustration that your student is feeling.  Is this a mild annoyance or a deep seated issue?

So you’ve listened – now what do you do? 

One of the first and most important things that you will need to determine is how certain your student is of his decision.  Is he absolutely firm that he will not return, or is he floating the idea to measure your reaction and perhaps seek your advice?  Your task will be to help him explore his feelings, abilities, and options.  Whatever is decided in the end, your student must be comfortable with and committed to the decision.

What are the options?

Essentially, your student has two options: return to school or not return to school.  But it may not be quite that simple.

  • Your student may return to school with the intention of a fresh start in order to make things better.
  • Your student may opt to return to school for one semester while he explores transfer options to make a change for sophomore year.
  • Your student may opt to attempt to transfer to another institution immediately for second semester.
  • Your student may opt to remain at home, perhaps get a job or do community service, while exploring transfer options for next year.
  • Your student may opt to find a job without the intention to return to school in the foreseeable future.

You may have some strong feelings about which of these options are acceptable to you, and you and your student will need to discuss them, but your student must make the ultimate decision.  Although this is an unexpected and emotional decision, the process of working through this situation together may be more positive than you anticipate.

What’s next?

After you’ve listened to your student talk about his reasons, after you’ve helped him think about his options, you may need to help him process those options to make a decision

There is no one answer that is the best for all students.  As you help your student look at his situation from several angles, here are a few questions to share.

Is this the best time to make this decision? The end of the semester is often a particularly stressful time. Is this something he has been considering all semester, or just in the last few weeks?  Ask whether he feels he might be reacting to the stress of the end-of-semester workload.  Might he also be reacting to some holiday blues or to the comfort of the holidays at home?  Help your student think about the entire semester rather than just the last few weeks.

Are you at the low level of culture shock and adjustment?  Transitioning to college life is not unlike adjusting to a new culture when students study abroad or move to a new country.  Help your student think about the natural progression of cultural adjustment.  After the initial honeymoon phase when all seems perfect, there are several stages when your student might feel less satisfied or comfortable with his experiences. Feelings usually swing upwards again eventually.  Often students assume that the adjustment happens early in the semester, but for some students, the phases of the process may stretch throughout the first year.  Help your student think about the progression of his feelings.

Can you give yourself enough time to build on your first semester experiences? Help your student examine how far he’s come during this first semester.  He may not realize how much he has learned – and changed.  What new academic understanding does he have – both in subject matter and “college knowledge?”  What connections has he made or support systems has he developed?  How much more comfortable is he with his new-found independence?  The first semester of college is often one long transition time.  Can your student use the second semester to build on the foundation of the first semester?  Help your student think about how to make the most of the hard work he has done during the first semester.

Can you learn from the past semester, make some changes, and alter your experiences for a second semester?  Perhaps things did not go well during your student’s first semester – either academically or socially.  What can your student take from those experiences and what differences can he make next semester? How might your student make a fresh start?  Can he study differently – or more, reach out to make some new friends, become more involved on campus – or less involved if activities distracted him from studying, change a roommate, change his major, practice more time management, simply adopt a different lifestyle?  Help your student evaluate his semester to improve his second semester.

Are the problems with the school or with you?  This may seem like a harsh question, but your student should examine whether he will simply take his problems with him if he moves to a new school or remains at home.  Your student chose this college for a reason and may need to remind himself about that reason.  Your student should think carefully about whether he will take his problems with him – and need to make new transitions as well.  Help your student find the root of his unhappiness and make sure that he will not take it with him.

What about returning to school with a plan to transfer next year? Your student may be anxious to transfer or leave school, but this may not be the best time to do that.  It can be difficult to complete the transfer process mid-year and difficult to adjust to a new school environment when almost everyone else has been there a semester.  In the fall, there will be more students making transitions.  Returning with the plan of transferring later may also relieve some pressure and your student may find that he actually enjoys college more.  By spring, your student may choose not to leave school after all.  Help your student consider whether delaying leaving school might give him a chance to make a smoother transition later or even re-evaluate his decision.

If your student does not want to return to school after winter break, it can be a difficult time.  Remind your student that you are on his side and want the best for him, but you may need to help him think about what would really be best.  Although he may feel as though leaving school may be the easiest solution, help him think through his options and help him be comfortable with his final decision.  You may need to work at getting comfortable with your student’s decision as well. Whatever that decision is, the process of working through the thinking and planning together can become a positive experience.

Related Posts:

Twelve Things You Can Do to Help You Listen to Your Student

Conversations With Your Student: What’s Your Listening Position?

Should My College Student Withdraw from College?

Helping Your Student Evaluate the Past Semester

When Your College Student Is Unhappy

How You Can’t Help Your College Student Stay in School

 


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2 thoughts on ““I Don’t Want to Go Back.” When Your College Freshman Wants to Quit

  1. Dear Yup – Thanks for your comment. You certainly express the opinion of many people, and you point out many flaws with any educational system. There are others who would argue from very different perspectives.

    One thing that is interesting about the college experience is how very personal it is. The experience depends greatly on the individual student and on the college. Some students may have poor experiences, but might have had very different experiences at another institution. Other students will have a wonderful experience at the same institution that is a poor match for others. There is no clear way to find the perfect match, and no easy fix for many of the issues that higher education faces.

  2. College is not what it was in the past. And it is not what the media portrays. College is only enjoyable for well established cliques who have been together since jr high or highschool, or for the very well connected who have the peace of knowing they can just up and leave if they want or have professors bend over for them. College is not fair, professors will grade you based on how they personally feel. You need others to succeed if you are not rich or connected or cliqued up, and often times college is the most brutal and horrid lonely experience anyone can suffer. What’s worse than solitary confinement is being ignored or avoided by hundreds of thousands of people around you. And often times, many professors are very sexist or racist, and will knock your grade unfairly, or not care if they see you floundering. If you don’t fit in, or don’t have the connections, it’s 5-10 years of trying not to commit suicide and wishing it was over. It’s a dream killer, a hope smasher, and a builder of segregation based on class, associations, race and looks. Like any business they toss many “commercials” about GPA whizzes who succeed, but most if not all of them are connected to big shots or rich families. A genius who is suffering depression due to the treatment and life and having his A+ papers shot to B’s because of preference will have a GPA that is low and does not reflect his ability or intellect. It’s like asking someone to do well while being locked away in a room forever and kicked around by someone who is petty and has their entire lives in control by a pen and a decision. College is not a good place anymore, it is hell. It is grueling, unhappy, miserable, bleak, hopeless, depressing, lonely, hopeless Hell. And if you have the strength to pass, which most now just get shuffled through, then you are told with a smile that your degree means nothing. You worked hard for a good job, a good life, and to begin adulthood. But instead, youre handed a paper that will do nothing for you, and the only answer is “Now you’re that much smarter. You LEARNED.” 5-10 years of Hell just for a useless paper that tells people you know more than them. While you work at the grocery store or answer phones for a living because a professor didn’t like your face, and you were the wrong color or weight or sex to have any normality. College is Hell. It’s a scam. It’s a con. It needs to be fixed, it needs to be monitored, and the requirements for degrees need to be dismissed instead for proof of skills to do the job without any requirements that are unnecessary.

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