Category — Supporting Your College Student

New Year is often the time for new beginnings.  Fortunately, for college students, the new year also often brings a new semester with its fresh start as well.  We offer here 10 New Year’s resolutions for college parents and 10 resolutions for you to pass on to your college student.  Enjoy your fresh start – and make this a great year for you and your college student!

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As a parent of a college student, you may be taken completely by surprise when your student comes home to announce that he wants to drop out of college.  Or it is possible that you have seen this coming for a few weeks or even months.  Either way, it may be difficult to believe or accept.  So much effort and emotional energy went into the choice of college and the admissions process, that it doesn’t seem possible that your student could want to quit now.  The reality is that, according to ACT (American College Testing) nearly 25% of students leave college before finishing their sophomore year.

Breathe!

So what should you, as a college parent, do if your student announces that she is ready to quit?  First of all, take a deep breath.  This was probably not an easy decision for your student and it was probably difficult for her to come to talk to you.  She will be watching carefully for your response.  This may be one of those opportunities in your student’s life when you can strengthen or weaken your communication and relationship with her.  If necessary, ask for time to absorb the news before you talk.  “This is an important decision and it’s taking me by surprise.  Can you give me some time to think about this and can we talk tomorrow?”  Don’t say anything right now that you may regret later or that will close a door.

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Many college parents wait expectantly, hopefully, and sometimes fearfully for those first semester college grades as a measure of how their student is doing in college.  Although many students may have a better inkling of what to expect when the grades arrive, they, too, wait anxiously to hear the final verdict.  For many students, and their parents, those first semester grades may not be what they expected.

It is important that both college parents and their college students keep first semester grades in perspective.  For many students, they may be all that they hoped for.  However, if your student’s grades are lower than anticipated, there are several factors to consider.  This doesn’t necessarily mean that you student is incapable of college work, or that he has been slacking off all semester.  Grades are certainly important, but the first semester of college involves both tremendous transition and, for some students, a “reality check” about college in general.

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No college student heads off to college with the plan to be placed on academic probation and face potential dismissal.  Few parents, when they drop their student off for college in September, expect that their student will struggle to the point of being placed on probation.  But the reality is that, for many students, their academic work warrants the college officially notifying them that they are in danger of being dismissed.  Parents can be a tremendous asset, or can potentially make matters worse, when this happens.  Here are some suggestions about how you, and your college student, can cope with academic probation.

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For many college students, the final push of the semester is an extremely stressful time.  This is the time when many students realize that their time-management skills may not be the best.  This is the time when students realize how much reading is left, how many papers are still unfinished (or not yet begun), how much material will actually be covered on a final exam.  Students are overwhelmed, tired, sometimes sick, and often nervous or downright frightened.

During this stressful time of the semester, parents need to be supportive, but give a student some “space” to deal with his issues.  Students will react to pressure differently.  Some will rise to the occasion – and even thrive on the adrenaline of the final push.  Others will fall apart, have a meltdown, – and then pull themselves together and tackle what they need to do.  Some may forge ahead as they have all semester, almost oblivious to the added pressure at this point.  Others may crumple under the stress.  Parents need to be prepared for anything.

As college parents seek to find the right balance for the end-of-semester time, we’ve gathered a few earlier posts that may be especially helpful.  Remember that your role is supportive and that you need to let your college student cope in the best way that she can.  It is often difficult to stand back and watch as your college student struggles, but this is part of the independence that your student needs.  She may make some choices that are helpful and some choices that are not particularly wise.  She will learn from her choices either way.

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No one likes to make mistakes. We know we may not be perfect, but we try not to make too many mistakes – especially what we might consider “stupid mistakes”.  College students don’t like to make mistakes either, but they will probably make some – perhaps many – mistakes throughout their college career.  It is difficult, as a parent, to watch your college student make what you might consider avoidable mistakes.  The problem may not be the mistakes themselves, but the attitude that both parents and students have toward their mistakes.

Making mistakes is a way of learning.  We may make mistakes when we try new things, or stretch our limits.  Others may have made the same mistake before us, but we may need to make the mistake ourselves in order to learn from it. It doesn’t matter what others have told us, we need to have the experience ourselves.  College is, in many ways, practice for life.  College students may stumble and fall at times – sometimes in small ways and sometimes in more serious ways – but, hopefully, they will learn from their mistakes and become wiser.  As college parents, we can help our students make sense of these experiences.

This post is not about specific mistakes that students make in college, but rather it is about how parents can help college students accept their mistakes as a valuable part of their college experience and learn from them.  Sometimes the mistakes that students make in college may be very serious, and have serious consequences.  It is important that parents consider carefully when to intervene. (Hint: it may not be as soon as we think.) Parents need to continue to find the balance between letting go and allowing their student to make a mistake and bear the consequences, and intervening when the student’s health or safety may be at stake.

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As parents, we want to support our college student in every way that we can.  We want her to know that we are aware that she is working hard.  We want her to know that we are proud of her.   We want to be present to see the fruits of her efforts, and to see her shine.  The problem is that sometimes we simply can’t get to campus and we need to do our supporting from afar.

What do you do if your student is participating in that important athletic event, playing or singing in that important concert, performing in that play, dancing in that show, being inducted in that honor society, or receiving that prestigious award and you can’t make the trip to the college to be there?  As a parent, you’re disappointed and you feel that you’ve let your student down.  Intellectually, you know that you have no choice, but emotionally, it is difficult.

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Things happen.  As college students work at their increasing independence and responsibility, as they learn that some of the choices that they are making are good choices and others are not, as they strive to find balance, as they struggle to accept consequences for their actions, things happen.  Some of these things are good things, affirming that your student is growing and maturing and making wise decisions.  Some of these things are not as positive, and some may have serious consequences.  Some students have poor or even failing grades, some face college judicial or even legal consequences, some face health issues, some face social problems, some face serious money issues,  and some simply feel that they’ve made all of the wrong choices at this point in their life.

Whatever may be happening for your college student, it may be magnified at the midpoint in a semester.  The reality of midterm grades may be a wake-up call.  The urgency of the remaining few weeks may hit.  The immediacy of a break or holiday at home with family may dawn.  The tensions are increasing as the semester progresses.

No matter what your college student may be experiencing or feeling right now, the second thing that many students worry about may be “How will I tell my parents?”  As parents, we like to think that our college students can talk to us about whatever may be bothering them.  However, for many students, concern about family reactions to college difficulties may be adding to an already difficult time.  This may be especially true for families that are, or have been, close.  Our college students don’t want to disappoint us.  They don’t want to let us down.  They don’t want to fail at their new found independence.

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Your college student has received his midterm grades.  He may be pleased and feeling relieved, or he may have some cause for concern.  Now is the time that he needs to do some serious thinking about how he will approach the second half of the semester.  If all of his grades are good then he knows that he is on the right track.  If some, or all, of his grades are weak, then it is time to think about a new approach.

Your college student may, or may not, share his midterm grades with you.  If your student has some low midterm grades, he may view this as a failure.  You may need to help your student put these grades into perspective and make some decisions about the second half of the semester.

Withdrawing from a college class is not the same thing as dropping a class early in the term.  At most institutions, students have an option in the first few days of the term of dropping a class.  This is important for students who find that they are in the wrong level of a class, or that the class is inappropriate or of no interest to them.  Classes that are dropped at the beginning of the term generally do not show up on the student’s permanent record.  Withdrawing from a class later in the term usually results in a “W” appearing on the student’s transcript.  The “W” has no effect on the student’s GPA (Grade Point Average).

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Several research studies tell us that college students who have a strong support system at home do better in college.  As college parents, we work hard to provide that support system.  We may even think about how to involve siblings in our college student’s life.  Sometimes, however, we may forget an important source of continued support for our college student – grandparents.  One estimate indicates that more than half of adults over the age of 65 have adult grandchildren over 18.  So many college students have grandparents who may want to be involved in their college experiences.

Not all college students may have grandparents who are able to be involved in their grandchild’s college life, but there are many different ways that grandparents might contribute to the student’s experiences.  One survey of students indicated that relationships with grandparents or significant elders influenced their life choices, values and goals.  These relationships gave students a sense of self, of roots, of tradition.  Another study found that student perceptions of their relationships with grandparents were generally positive.  They felt affection and respect for their grandparents.

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