Category — Communicating With Your College Student

As a parent of a college student, you may be taken completely by surprise when your student comes home to announce that he wants to drop out of college.  Or it is possible that you have seen this coming for a few weeks or even months.  Either way, it may be difficult to believe or accept.  So much effort and emotional energy went into the choice of college and the admissions process, that it doesn’t seem possible that your student could want to quit now.  The reality is that, according to ACT (American College Testing) nearly 25% of students leave college before finishing their sophomore year.

Breathe!

So what should you, as a college parent, do if your student announces that she is ready to quit?  First of all, take a deep breath.  This was probably not an easy decision for your student and it was probably difficult for her to come to talk to you.  She will be watching carefully for your response.  This may be one of those opportunities in your student’s life when you can strengthen or weaken your communication and relationship with her.  If necessary, ask for time to absorb the news before you talk.  “This is an important decision and it’s taking me by surprise.  Can you give me some time to think about this and can we talk tomorrow?”  Don’t say anything right now that you may regret later or that will close a door.

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When your child leaves home to head for college, you worry about losing contact with her.  If she will be living at college, and perhaps not returning home for several weeks or months, you worry.  However, it is possible that, with some effort on your part, your communication may become even more meaningful.

This post is the first in a series of five posts that may give you food for thought about how you communicate with your college student. We’re posting one of these articles each week over the next five weeks.  Some of our suggestions may be common sense reminders, and some may be new ideas for you.  Obviously, communication skills are interrelated, so consider all of these suggestions together.  This first post concerns how you listen to your student.  In future posts we’ll consider nonverbal communication and the signals that you send, how to check perceptions to make sure you understand what your student is really saying, how to ask helpful questions, and how to frame some of your messages so your student may be willing to listen.  We hope that thinking about how you listen and talk to your student may help you to keep all of your communication doors wide open.

Listening matters!

Listening may be one of the most important, and undervalued, communication skills that we use.  Unfortunately, many of us believe that listening is passive and that if we’re not talking, we’re not really communicating.  Listening well is difficult, and doing it well takes practice. Listening well will help you understand your student better and will also model listening skills for your student.  Hopefully, he’ll also learn how to listen to you. We’d like to offer eight suggestions that may help you listen more carefully to what your college student has to tell you.

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We’ve emphasized in many of our posts the importance of good communication with your college student.  We think this is such an important topic that we’re planning a series of posts in the next few weeks with some communication suggestions.  In the meantime, thinking not only about how you communicate, but also when and where you communicate may be helpful – especially if your student may be headed home for a break.  You might enhance your chances of a good conversation – or doom it – simply by choosing your time and place carefully.  Of course, there’s no exact answer for everyone.  Knowing your student, and thinking about your family dynamic makes all of the difference.  But here’s some food for thought.

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For many college students, the final push of the semester is an extremely stressful time.  This is the time when many students realize that their time-management skills may not be the best.  This is the time when students realize how much reading is left, how many papers are still unfinished (or not yet begun), how much material will actually be covered on a final exam.  Students are overwhelmed, tired, sometimes sick, and often nervous or downright frightened.

During this stressful time of the semester, parents need to be supportive, but give a student some “space” to deal with his issues.  Students will react to pressure differently.  Some will rise to the occasion – and even thrive on the adrenaline of the final push.  Others will fall apart, have a meltdown, – and then pull themselves together and tackle what they need to do.  Some may forge ahead as they have all semester, almost oblivious to the added pressure at this point.  Others may crumple under the stress.  Parents need to be prepared for anything.

As college parents seek to find the right balance for the end-of-semester time, we’ve gathered a few earlier posts that may be especially helpful.  Remember that your role is supportive and that you need to let your college student cope in the best way that she can.  It is often difficult to stand back and watch as your college student struggles, but this is part of the independence that your student needs.  She may make some choices that are helpful and some choices that are not particularly wise.  She will learn from her choices either way.

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Your college student is coming home for his first real visit since he headed off to college.  You’re excited – but also a bit nervous about what to expect.  You know that he has changed – increased independence and responsibility are goals of the college experience.  But you may not be sure how this increased independence will affect your relationship.  Your college student is probably nervous, too.  He can’t wait to come home to show off his new found independence, but he’s not sure how he will fit in with the family now.

The first step in a successful visit with your student may be simply anticipating that things will be different, and possibly awkward.  You will need to get to know some new aspects of your student.  You may need to negotiate some ways of behaving and some expectations.  As has so often been the case throughout this process, brushing up on your listening skills and your patience will go a long way.  Here are a few suggestions that may help to ease the experience for everyone.

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As college parents we worry about our student’s transition when she heads off to college.  We know that it will be a big adjustment and that she will be facing challenges and undergoing changes.  Sometimes, however, we forget that there will also be a big adjustment and some challenges when our college student returns home again for her first real vacation.  Whether it is Thanksgiving break or winter break, the first longer visit home will be a time of readjustment and reacquaintance for everyone.

In this post, we’ll consider some of the things you might expect when your college student returns home for a first visit.  In our next post, we’ll consider some specific things that you might do to help that first visit go more smoothly.

Your student is probably anxious to come home and settle in, but she may also be worried about what things will be like when she gets home.  You are excited about having her home, but you may also be nervous about what to anticipate.  Parents who expect that everything at home will return to the way things were before your student left for college may be caught off guard and will have difficulty.  Here are a few things to consider before your student comes home for her first visit.

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Things happen.  As college students work at their increasing independence and responsibility, as they learn that some of the choices that they are making are good choices and others are not, as they strive to find balance, as they struggle to accept consequences for their actions, things happen.  Some of these things are good things, affirming that your student is growing and maturing and making wise decisions.  Some of these things are not as positive, and some may have serious consequences.  Some students have poor or even failing grades, some face college judicial or even legal consequences, some face health issues, some face social problems, some face serious money issues,  and some simply feel that they’ve made all of the wrong choices at this point in their life.

Whatever may be happening for your college student, it may be magnified at the midpoint in a semester.  The reality of midterm grades may be a wake-up call.  The urgency of the remaining few weeks may hit.  The immediacy of a break or holiday at home with family may dawn.  The tensions are increasing as the semester progresses.

No matter what your college student may be experiencing or feeling right now, the second thing that many students worry about may be “How will I tell my parents?”  As parents, we like to think that our college students can talk to us about whatever may be bothering them.  However, for many students, concern about family reactions to college difficulties may be adding to an already difficult time.  This may be especially true for families that are, or have been, close.  Our college students don’t want to disappoint us.  They don’t want to let us down.  They don’t want to fail at their new found independence.

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Several research studies tell us that college students who have a strong support system at home do better in college.  As college parents, we work hard to provide that support system.  We may even think about how to involve siblings in our college student’s life.  Sometimes, however, we may forget an important source of continued support for our college student – grandparents.  One estimate indicates that more than half of adults over the age of 65 have adult grandchildren over 18.  So many college students have grandparents who may want to be involved in their college experiences.

Not all college students may have grandparents who are able to be involved in their grandchild’s college life, but there are many different ways that grandparents might contribute to the student’s experiences.  One survey of students indicated that relationships with grandparents or significant elders influenced their life choices, values and goals.  These relationships gave students a sense of self, of roots, of tradition.  Another study found that student perceptions of their relationships with grandparents were generally positive.  They felt affection and respect for their grandparents.

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Of course, not all college students will get homesick when they go away to college.  Many students adjust well, settle in, and have a wonderful experience.  Some students may experience some homesickness, but their parents will never know about it.  It may last a few days or a few weeks, the student will adjust and move on.  But for some parents, the fear becomes reality.  Their college student is homesick, miserable, and perhaps asking to come home.  What is a parent to do?

Students may experience homesickness to varying degrees, although most probably have at least some of those feelings of longing for home.  It is helpful for parents, and students, to understand that a certain amount of homesickness is completely normal.  Students are dealing with unfamiliar situations, possible lack of routine and structure, loss of close friends, and readjustments of expectations.  Some factors may increase the likelihood that your child may experience some degree of homesickness: no previous experiences away from home, difficulty making transitions to new situations, roommate issues, leaving a boyfriend or girlfriend at home, possible concerns about family members at home, or academic difficulties.  One Dutch study, conducted in 2007, suggested that students with more involved parents tend to experience more homesickness; however, they may also have more effective coping strategies.

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This is the second of two posts considering college students who live at home during the college years. Parents of these students face a unique set of issues.  In our first post, we looked at some of the reasons that students may choose to live at home, and some of the issues that might arise.  In this post, we consider some things that parents can do to help make the experience a rewarding one for everyone involved.

Recognizing that your college student living at home may have reservations about the experience and will face a unique set of issues is an important first step in helping your student make the most of the college experience.  Recognizing that your “letting go” process will be more complex with your student living at home will also help you to analyze the experience.  However, it is important that parents, and their college students, recognize that there are things that they can do to make this experience go smoothly – and ensure a rewarding four years.

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